“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone—you are the one getting burned.” -Buddha
Like many areas of mental health, forgiveness is something that many of us are on autopilot about. We either forgive or we don’t forgive.
For many of us, we default to our internal programming and/or our inherent Character Strengths.
There is a better way.
We will cover the definition and benefits of forgiving, as well as a process to forgive. I know it may feel like a cold/methodical way to deal with what you are experiencing. But, that is part of the point. Your automatic thoughts and default emotions will make things feel bigger than they are and not allow you to think clearly. So, put your emotions away for a few minutes and really consider the following
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is defined in various ways among Positive Psychologists. The definition that I am going to focus on here is by Robert Enright. According to Enright, forgiveness is a “willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly hurt us; while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward him or her.” Let that sink in for a moment…in fact, let’s cover it again, slowly…
“willingness to abandon one’s right to
- negative judgment,
- and indifferent behavior
toward one who unjustly hurt us;
while fostering the undeserved qualities of
- and even love toward him or her.”
Read this again and again until you truly understand the definition. Once you feel like you are ready…keep reading
Benefits of Forgiving
Forgiveness is more about you than your perpetrator.
The positive effects that come from forgiving are for the forgivers rather than for the forgiven. One study found those who forgave had less anger, less stress, less rumination, and lowered reactivity in comparison to those who held onto their anger and pain (Harris et al., 2001).
According to the Mayo Clinic, forgiveness can lead to:
- Healthier relationships
- Improved mental health
- Less anxiety, stress and hostility
- Lower blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression
- A stronger immune system
- Improved heart health
- Improved self-esteem
Two decades of social psychology research have demonstrated the emotional, physical, and social benefits of forgiveness. True forgiveness repairs relationships and restores inner well-being.
How to Forgive
Enright has eight keys to forgiveness:
- Know what forgiveness is and why it matters
- Become “forgivingly fit”
- Address your inner pain
- Develop a forgiving mind through empathy
- Find meaning in your suffering
- When forgiveness is hard, call upon other strengths
- Forgive yourself
- Develop a forgiving heart
Forgiveness is not excusing, overlooking, forgetting, condoning, or trivializing the harm or jumping to a premature reconciliation; it doesn’t require reconciliation at all. Instead, it involves changing our relationship to an offense through understanding and compassion.
The Greater Good in Action Center at UC Berkley has a powerful Forgiveness Exercise based on Enright’s research If you are not allowing forgiveness in one or more area of your life, I highly recommend following this exercise.
Each person will forgive at his or her own pace. We suggest that you move through the steps below based on what works for you.
HOW TO DO IT
1. Make a list of people who have hurt you deeply enough to warrant the effort to forgive. You can do this by asking yourself on a 1-to-10 scale, How much pain do I have regarding the way this person treated me?, with 1 involving the least pain (but still significant enough to justify the time to forgive) and 10 involving the most pain. Then, order the people on this list from least painful to most painful. Start with the person lowest on this hierarchy (least painful).
2. Consider one offense by the first person on your list. Ask yourself: How has this person’s offense negatively impacted my life? Reflect on the psychological and physical harm it may have caused. Consider how your views of humanity and trust of others may have changed as a result of this offense. Recognize that what happened was not okay, and allow yourself to feel any negative emotions that come up.
3. When you’re ready, make a decision to forgive. Deciding to forgive involves coming to terms with what you will be doing as you forgive—extending an act of mercy toward the person who has hurt you. When we offer this mercy, we deliberately try to reduce resentment (persistent ill will) toward this person and, instead, offer him or her kindness, respect, generosity, or even love.
It is important to emphasize that forgiveness does not involve excusing the person’s actions, forgetting what happened, or tossing justice aside. Justice and forgiveness can be practiced together.
Another important caveat: To forgive is not the same as to reconcile. Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy in which two or more people come together again in mutual trust. You may not choose to reconcile with the person you are forgiving.
4. Start with cognitive exercises. Ask yourself these questions about the person who has hurt you: What was life like for this person while growing up? What wounds did he or she suffer from others that could have made him or her more likely to hurt you? What kinds of extra pressures or stresses were in this person’s life at the time he or she offended you? These questions are not meant to excuse or condone, but rather to better understand the other person’s areas of pain, those areas that make him or her vulnerable and human. Understanding why people commit destructive acts can also help us find more effective ways of preventing further destructive acts from occurring in the future.
5. Be aware of any little movement of your heart through which you begin to feel even slight compassion for the person who offended you. This person may have been confused, mistaken, and misguided. He or she may deeply regret his or her actions. As you think about this person, notice if you start to feel softer emotions toward him or her.
6. Try to consciously bear the pain that he or she caused you so that you do not end up throwing that pain back onto the one who offended you, or even toward unsuspecting others, such as loved ones who were not the ones who wounded you in the first place. When we are emotionally wounded, we tend to displace our pain onto others. Please be aware of this so that you are not perpetuating a legacy of anger and injuries.
7. Think of a gift of some kind that you can offer to the person you are trying to forgive. Forgiveness is an act of mercy—you are extending mercy toward someone who may not have been merciful toward you. This could be through a smile, a returned phone call, or a good word about him or her to others. Always consider your own safety first when extending kindness and goodwill towards this person. If interacting with this person could put you in danger, find another way to express your feelings, such as by writing in a journal or engaging in a practice such as compassion meditation.
8. Finally, try to find meaning and purpose in what you have experienced. For example, as people suffer from the injustices of others, they often realize that they themselves become more sensitive to others’ pain. This, in turn, can give them a sense of purpose toward helping those who are hurting. It may also motivate them to work toward preventing future injustices of a similar kind.
Once you complete the forgiveness process with one person on your list, select the next person in line and move up that list until you are forgiving the person who hurt you the most.
WHY IT WORKS
Forgiveness is a long and often challenging process. These steps may help along the way by providing concrete guidelines. Specifically, they may help you narrow and understand whom to forgive—to name and describe your pain; to understand the difference between forgiving and excusing or reconciling; and by thinking about the person who has caused you pain in a novel way, you may begin to feel some compassion for him or her, facilitating forgiveness and reducing the ill will you hold toward this person. These steps also attune you to residual pain from your experience and encourage you to find meaning and some positivity in it.”
I’ve created a Forgiveness Exercise Guide just for you! You can download it HERE.
Now, I would love to hear from you.
Comment below on your experience with forgiveness. And let me know, either below or directly, if you work through the Forgiveness Exercise and what your results are. We can all learn from each others’ experiences.